Spring is waiting in the womb of Winter...

It been a long while friend. Summer has come and gone, and Fall is quickly fading into Winter rains. I am embracing the vigor this chill, wetness is bringing. It is hibernating time, but for some reason I feel motivated and ready for change. I spent yesterday cleaning out my closet filled deeply with things long stored and rarely(if ever) used. Purging is a natural and very vital action this time around. It always intrigues me that I leave for 3 or so months every year and wait until my return to clean house/mind/and spirit. That is all, I'm going to walk to the park with Little Man and play.

Permanence

I so often think of the impermanence of life, but not my relationship with it's opposite. Permanence. Permanence of death. I lost a friend the other day in a tragic car accident. A hit and run. No seatbelt. 3 were injured. One death. It has been hard. It has been long time. A long time since I have experienced a death as close to me as this. I began the grieving process as I thought he would have, with booze and fleetwood mac and an attempt at celebrating his awesomeness. And continued that for the past three days. Tonight I will rest. And no doubt actually feel these emotions that have cocooned themselves inside my heart. I have been able to maintain my composure in most circumstances on the exterior, knowing that does not a strong person make, while consistent dragging my feet invisible through the pile of clothes on my floor, or dirty dishes by my bedside. This murkiness is the worst. This darkness is fucking with me. I go back and forth between "knowing" this behavior is a choice, and that I am capable of picking myself up better and brushing off the slouch, and being stronger, better, more accepting by choice. The alternate side is, acknowledging and allowing this time for grieving in which ever way it bubbles up. Realizing the front of strength is a facade soon to fade, a burden soon to lighten, and a sadness soon to improve. Feel it. Let it/yourself go. there. you will feel better. Grieving process aside, a very special someone to me said these words to me: "His death is permanent. There will not be anymore moments with JJ." And that is the part of my story where the pain remains ingrained. I can accept that death is inevitable, that shit happens, and luck (hate that term) goes bad, but the fact I won't have anymore time with him... ouch. FUCK! He was FUCKING AMAZING! He was EVERYTHING YOU CAN IMAGINE! And past-tense terms suck. And this feeling sucks. And I just want one more FreeBird moment with him. One more for all the RAD he showed me he was. And maybe he didn't know he was showing me something special, or that I cared about him, but I did, I KNOW I did... he was only being himself. One cannot always understand their impact on another's life, but it was large. It was larger than life and that is the truth and faith that I will carry in my heart always. ALL OF THIS SO MUCH LARGER THAN LIFE. YOU ARE SO MUCH LARGER THAN LIFE. FREEBIRD FOREVER! RIP my friend. You are loved allways. Note to myself: Stop expecting permanence.

A story above and a story behind...

A story above and a story behind
Here's another story called My Struggle with Time
it rises and opens it's arms every day,
continues when I drift in a sleepy parade

years worth of light expose my dark corners
shunning it's cunning voice like an older jack horner
time intends to deliver, but instead only quivers
round the world's pie it goes, while I only eat a sliver

A believer, I am, of good moments and places,
the problem is I'm terrible with winding and faces
I end up just losing the remnants of then
and grasp onto nothingness of the soon to be when

I'm patient if I naughten be, and easily digress
I do love to be found in stitches of laughter and a dress
there's not a care in the world, you just watch things trancend
like a spoon would do differently, if steel could bend

if steel could bend I'd fabricate a loop-pole/hole
and instead of measuring time it would measure the soul
I'd hand it to a person and ask them to imagine,
if this thing tells time, what time do you have then?

they'd answer, it's infinite now and simply beginning
we have so much freedom, my head won't stop spinning
and twirling it does, and it will, and it should
for Time is the silliest invention that stood, still,

Time spent with friends is the bestest time of all!

homeward...

my destination's skin is cracked and dry
feet stumble one at a time
experiencing a heaviness like gravity
scraped knees.
damp cheeks flood the streets filled with vermin
the dark gray sky weeps for it's children long lost
there is no one here.
joy caught the last train years ago
what is left are barren fields
empty rooms and moldy carpets
spiders cling in what few cupboards remain
echoes ricochet from memory.
i remember springtime here.

Before and again...

Aha!  So smart you are!

accomplished...

I feel accomplished today. Having been diligent about my new "life coaching schedule" for one whole day, I finally feel I am getting things done. Beginning this new blog was a very essential nudge in a forward direction.

I suppose I could elaborate on just what I meant when I wrote "life coaching blog":

My sister and I made a list. We divided my life into- short term goals, long term goals, energizers, drainers, and a daily to-do checklist. This, as a way to help me keep myself, and my days, organized. Otherwise it is incredibly simple for me to slip into monotony and lethargic behaviors. Major changes/additions/things needed to-do were- begin this blog, get outside(3hrs/day) and my heart-rate up(45min/day), be creative, and write three free-thought pages every single morning. With this seemingly minor schedule, I am more on task than I have been all winter!
My days were beginning to blur and my heart began to weigh too much, not to mention the fact that my mind was taking on a crazy life of it's own. So this morning, I woke up and wrote three pages in my journal. Whatever I thought of, interspersed with some stuff that I have no idea its origin.

I'm also trying to pay attention to my dreams more. It seems that I have been dreaming, and remembering them more frequently. They are always bizarre in composition of various people and situations but I believe they all have their poignant impression to be understood. So I await the sleeping gods that will enter into the void-less dreamland of my consciousness and fill it up with the unknown... to me... yet.

Goodnight, spoon love.

at the very beginning... again

I started a blog, some 8 years ago. At that time I was capable of rapidly, voraciously, and feverishly typing. My personal discoveries were so profound, my experiences so intense, so in need of being expelled... shared, and most importantly being understood, that filling post after post was the easiest and most comfortable thing I could do. As the years passed, life occurred so I typed, life stalled and somehow I still typed, and then there came a day that I couldn't... or wouldn't. I can't rightly say what fizzled the fuse, but I accepted it, and tried finding other outlets. This past year has been uproariously insane and recently I've been feeling a bit bumbling and idle, so at the encouragement of my sister/life coach/biggest supporter, I have decided to return to the page!


My auspicious intent for this blog is to serve you a daily dose of my truth- whatever it may concern or in any various form I choose to share it, whether it be an anecdote, song, video clip,or short and simple thought. I will share with you what feeds my soul. And thus, my hope is that you will enjoy the ride down the rabbit hole and into the very wonderful place I call home...

THE HEART.

Here I will spoon feed you my love.
Here I will speak to you my truth.
Here, in the end, we will be full.