Spring is waiting in the womb of Winter...

It been a long while friend. Summer has come and gone, and Fall is quickly fading into Winter rains. I am embracing the vigor this chill, wetness is bringing. It is hibernating time, but for some reason I feel motivated and ready for change. I spent yesterday cleaning out my closet filled deeply with things long stored and rarely(if ever) used. Purging is a natural and very vital action this time around. It always intrigues me that I leave for 3 or so months every year and wait until my return to clean house/mind/and spirit. That is all, I'm going to walk to the park with Little Man and play.

Permanence

I so often think of the impermanence of life, but not my relationship with it's opposite. Permanence. Permanence of death. I lost a friend the other day in a tragic car accident. A hit and run. No seatbelt. 3 were injured. One death. It has been hard. It has been long time. A long time since I have experienced a death as close to me as this. I began the grieving process as I thought he would have, with booze and fleetwood mac and an attempt at celebrating his awesomeness. And continued that for the past three days. Tonight I will rest. And no doubt actually feel these emotions that have cocooned themselves inside my heart. I have been able to maintain my composure in most circumstances on the exterior, knowing that does not a strong person make, while consistent dragging my feet invisible through the pile of clothes on my floor, or dirty dishes by my bedside. This murkiness is the worst. This darkness is fucking with me. I go back and forth between "knowing" this behavior is a choice, and that I am capable of picking myself up better and brushing off the slouch, and being stronger, better, more accepting by choice. The alternate side is, acknowledging and allowing this time for grieving in which ever way it bubbles up. Realizing the front of strength is a facade soon to fade, a burden soon to lighten, and a sadness soon to improve. Feel it. Let it/yourself go. there. you will feel better. Grieving process aside, a very special someone to me said these words to me: "His death is permanent. There will not be anymore moments with JJ." And that is the part of my story where the pain remains ingrained. I can accept that death is inevitable, that shit happens, and luck (hate that term) goes bad, but the fact I won't have anymore time with him... ouch. FUCK! He was FUCKING AMAZING! He was EVERYTHING YOU CAN IMAGINE! And past-tense terms suck. And this feeling sucks. And I just want one more FreeBird moment with him. One more for all the RAD he showed me he was. And maybe he didn't know he was showing me something special, or that I cared about him, but I did, I KNOW I did... he was only being himself. One cannot always understand their impact on another's life, but it was large. It was larger than life and that is the truth and faith that I will carry in my heart always. ALL OF THIS SO MUCH LARGER THAN LIFE. YOU ARE SO MUCH LARGER THAN LIFE. FREEBIRD FOREVER! RIP my friend. You are loved allways. Note to myself: Stop expecting permanence.